Chapter 1

    Black tents in summer = tents of doom
    Primark jandals won’t survive moshing or Amy’s giant feet
    Belgium doesn’t believe in ice
    When squatting against a tree make sure the tree isn’t in view of thousands of people with cameras and missiles
    More than 2 CD’s are need for a 3 month road trip
    Bring your iPod not just the iPod charger
    Sweaty boys + black paint = you looking like a feral
    Nick Cave + Bad Mayo = 6 cups of spew
    Up the bum no babies
    Monkey face needs to be explained to the world

Chapter 2

    7% and a sign with a pregnant lady crossed out means the sangria is indeed alcoholic NOT that pregnant ladies can’t eat fruit
    Leaning over + drinking + gravity = face plant
    White is not the right colour choice when you’re going to be covered in litres of sangria
    Brady’s kids only have a left foot but will still run a train on that shit
    The glowing orange light in the trees is a light NOT the moon
    Don’t give strangers cigarettes
    Americans can talk the talk but can’t walk the walk
    Playing loud music all night may result in a slap in the face
    Road signs are in kilometres not miles
    If Jarrod wants to jump off something don’t offer to catch him

Chapter 3 Lessons Learnt

    Lagos = LOOSE
    No undies on Van Tour
    Drink beer its cheaper than water
    No ones here to put stickers on apples
    Don’t leave your chairs and tables unattended  but if they do go missing just steal other peoples
    To get drunk all you need is a giant straw
    You don’t need a toilet when there’s a sink
    If getting kicked out of a bar make sure your dicks not flopping around
    If you want to save don’t go back to London

Chapter 4 Lessons Learnt

    The van comfortably sleeps four people
    No matter how convenient the location do NOT sleep under a flight path
    Don’t eat noodles before attempting the 100 club
    If someone tries to charge you €200 for a bit of plastic for a window tell them to FUCK OFF
    If you loose your sunnies hook up with a guy and take his…this trick will work on several occasions
    Ask what terminal your friends are flying into, Europe’s airports have more than one international terminal unlike NZ
    If cars stop in front of you just drive around them - red lights mean nothing
    Don’t get in the way of Amy’s knife hands
    We really NEED a funnel
    Cow tipping can lead to fights
    Just because you’re drunk doesn’t mean the plastic window will go down
    It’s ok to think of other people when having sex
    Don’t pay €5 for a shit towel when you can steal posh ones from a hotel
    The secret to Jarrod’s six pack is the 13 burgers he can scoff in a night
    When showering with our mates shut the door so 10 year olds don’t take pictures
    Save your mates money on their phone bills by confiscating their phones
    The secrets out….Kate Hope is the Stig
    Avoiding tolls isn’t always the best option

Chapter 5 Lessons Learnt

When free camping check your surroundings so you don’t end up in the middle of a gay festival.
When canyoning, keep a smile on your dial as you never know when you’ll be photographed.
If you intend to stop cars in the middle of the road and call them bastards, being dressed as Jesus won’t stop them coming after you.
Beautiful waterfalls are really hiding the secret Swiss airbases
Check for snakes before swimming
If it doesn’t scan at the checkout then its free
Unlock the van before opening the door if you don’t want to wake the entire campsite
Just because its duty free doesn’t mean we’ll be able to afford it
If you’ve got shit balance then rollerblading probably isn’t for you
A Toyota Hiace Van probably isn’t the right set of wheels to pull up in front of the casino in rich Monaco
Switzerland is another country that doesn’t sell ice
No matter where you are in the world you’ll run into someone you’ll know
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve gone without sex you still won’t go home with Portuguese bisexuals
Peeing in your wetsuit won’t make you cold
The number one spreader of herpes is sluts…not cake
Don’t eat horse if you can’t even pat them
When a car reverses, the direction it goes is backwards
Don’t walk around in random Swiss villages as you might get shot at
The police don’t’ know how to top your phone up so don’t call them

Chapter 6 Lessons Learnt

    If TomTom says in 326 turn left it doesn’t mean take the exit in 326 metres, Tom isn’t that specific!
    Pay an extra €5 for your pub crawl so you end up with blokes on  it
    In Italy you can do whatever you like as long as you’re driving a car when doing it
    If lost dial the Stig
    If in a hurry to get home take an unknown route
    Cheap BOTTLES of wine NOT cartons are the way forward
    Bar staff are happy to let you steal their food as long as they’re not watching
    To avoid Jarrod’s snoring lock him in the van
    Americans are still annoying in Italy
    45 mins between bars isn’t a pub crawl it’s a marathon
    If you don’t want to sleep with someone invite them back to your patch of dirt and have a massive spew
    Sorrento = no beaches
    Before parking Dopey on the sidewalk remove the hubcaps
    Beer, even if its warm will make any situation better
    Road blocks won’t stop Dopey from charging through
    If you can’t find Jarrod find the nearest Burger King or McDonalds
    There are no Italian Stallions in Italy just sleazy men in designer Speedos

Chapter 7 Lessons Learnt

    Pay more for your TomTom it might actually give you the right directions
    Irish boys aren’t good kissers
    In order to make the trip more interesting swerve through road cones
    Even though he’s still on zero Jarrod’s still not desparate enough for the Czech hookers…but only just
    If going on a tour make sure you know where its leaving from
    Just because you’re in a group of seven people doesn’t mean anyone will have a clue as to what’s going on unless BK is involved
    Who needs the Lonely Planet when you’ve got information people who don’t speak English
    Avoid tipping your tour guide by sneaking off before the tour ends
    You can sneak five people into a taxi but the cost rises sharply when they discover the sixth
    If you pay €4 a night for your hostel don’t be surprised to find dead people outside
    In Prague, a kilo of chicken wings and a kilo of ribs will take 5 mins for four people to eat and should cost no more than £4 each
    All hostels should have 24/7 bars
    If you don’t like our clothes fuck you, we’ll spend our pounds elsewhere
    Tobasco and strawberry liquer go surprisingly well together
    If you take your shirt off in a gay club don’t be surprised if you end up kissing a trannie
    Doesn’t matter what country you’re in you can always sniff out a kebab
    The elusive sausage isn’t hiding in Poland or the Czech Republic

Chapter 8 Lessons Learnt

    Check out times in hostels are just guidelines
    The translation of chicken in Polish means chips
    Krakow’s sights are better seen by night
    15 minutes worth of parking probably isn’t enough time to see a city
    Tunnels not recommended for pedestrians are just asking to be walked through
    If you’ve got no money you probably shouldn’t go to a pay for access lake
    Dopey isn’t a 4 wheel drive vehicle
    The more secluded your camping spot the more likely people will be partying or having sex there
    Change your money to the local currency to avoid getting ripped off
    Apply sunscreen over your whole body to avoid a striped red and white effect
    Watch out for fat old ladies when showering at the beach

Chapter 9 Lessons Learnt

    Don’t buy cheap vodka in Croatia
    Learn to erect your tent sober so when you stagger home pissed you have some idea of what to do
    All Pato needs is a patch of grass and a fitted sheet
    Snorting cheese also gives you wack dreams
    A little ‘s’ on a pizza menu doesn’t mean slice even if the waitress tells you it does
    Revenge is best served by stealing someone’s towel
    Amy having an alcohol free day means she doesn’t start drinking till 4pm
    If sneakily trying to fly the Kiwi flag on a boat full of Aussies don’t announce your mission in front of them
    Americans become hammered after just two drinks and their annoyingness increases 100 fold
    Don’t stop The Beaver from stealing a carafe unless you feel like heading for Greece
    Double check your bill, Eastern Europeans can’t add
    If TomTom doesn’t have the maps for a town don’t expect the town to have road signs either
    Only give yourself outrageous haircuts if you have a girlfriend who will live you unconditionally
    Don’t be alarmed if your Captain is drinking wine at 10am and smashing funnels by 2pm - you can always drive the boat yourself
    Vodka + Fanta + Funnel = Delicious
    When jumping off a 21 metre high bridge for the first time attempt a back flip
    In Mostar Bosnia, lunch portions are bigger than dinner portions
    Beer + 3.30 seconds = No more beer
    Don’t rely on the LP to find you a cocktail bar
    Don’t spill booze over a freshly waxed nether region
    Avoid cover charges by ignoring the bouncer
    Don’t trust an Aussie to take a picture of Kiwis
    Falling over on stairs hurts!
    12 year old gypsies are still pretty scary

Chapter 10 Lessons Learnt

    Update the Lessons Learnt section more regularly
    Kate’s classier than a swamp
    Don’t snort tobasco sauce and if you do milk won’t stop the burning
    Always have a tarp on hand to continue drinking sessions in the event of heavy rain
    Take random exits who knows what free shit you’ll end up with
    If one blow up mattress dies expect the others to make a suicide pact and join mattress heaven shortly after
    If you like someone put salt in their coffee
    Don’t pay for hostels when you can park outside them and camp for free
    If you drive around in circles for long enough you’ll find what you’re looking for
    Don’t take photos at country boarders as it ruins your hippie look
    Don’t light your gas cooker within 100m of the petrol stations even if you’re behind the servo in a car park.
    Make sure the car is always alarmed so Amy doesn’t wonder off in the night searching for friends
    Even though its not in the LP Hungary is famous for gay rollerbladers
    Never turn your engine off in Romania to allow quick get always from gypsies and beggars
    Some bastard’s music will always keep you awake no matter where you park
    Don’t be alarmed if you get overtaken while you’re overtaking someone else…Romanian drivers are on crack
    Don’t tip the honey over if the lid isn’t on properly
    Even Europe’s tiniest street looks massive next to Kate
    Don’t pay to take pictures of attractions if no ones going to police it
    The LP writers had clearly not been to Romania
    Don’t succumb to McD’s in Budapest there’s a shit tonne of cafes around the corner
    Repair kits for blow up  mattresses don’t work
    The Austrian boarder patrol take their  job really seriously…NOT!!
    Give Vienna a miss and take exit 100 to Pinkafeld
    Just because your drink is delicious doesn’t mean its alcoholic
    Not eating is the key to making the 100 Club
    Free camp outside Camping Bled and take the piss by using the camping facilities
    Four days without shitting means time to visit a chemist
    It take 7 minutes and a few beers for strangers to start talking about sex

Chapter 11 Lessons Learnt

    Don’t try turn around the wrong way on a oneway street without checking for parked cards
    BUT if you do hit a parked car leave a note with a fake number
    If trying to beat constipation, kebabs probably aren’t the best food choice
    Don’t pay for showers when you can use a servo watering can for free
    No matter how many people are with you no-one will be able to use the European ticket machines
    Don’t line up - send the short person to sneak up the front
    Pretend you’ve already paid in order to get free kebabs
    If you want you’re blow up mattress back don’t piss us off
    To find out a guy’s temperament spit beer in his face
    If you’re heading out in a foreign place make sure you have the address of where you’re staying
    If you chat a girl up for two and a half hours and get no where maybe your talents lie elsewhere like making it through the 100 Club
    Even Pablo has to draw the line somewhere and I believe its just after funnelling your cousin’s vomit
    It’ll cost you the equivalent of 12 steins to get your head stitched up
    If you don’t want Kate in your tent move it 20 meters away she’ll never find it
    If you don’t want to wait until 1pm for a stein then leave the campsite at 5.30am
    In order to steal steins you need a decoy one
    You can still wear a bra in the pig pen just not your best one
    You don’t need to speak the same language to make friends – beer is a universal language
    Make sure your campsite is located near KFC and if you do a sneaky mission there make sure your mates aren’t standing in the campsite enterance when you drive back in
    A 10 day steady diet of steins and pork knuckles will cost €900
    You’re not cool if you bring spare undies to throw onto the pig - only ripped off undies are worthy
    Your bank will never listen to you
    Camping is so much cheaper when you only pay for half the amount of people
    Buy large bottles of coke its way more economical
    Budget better if you want a waffle in Belgium at the end of the 3months
    Guys will lick pretty much anything off your nipples
    Kate’s secret compartment is under the front passengers seat but she thinks we don’t know
    2009 greatest summer of our lives